


Addams Hospitality

by LanntheQueen



Category: Addams Family (TV 1964)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25787374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LanntheQueen/pseuds/LanntheQueen
Summary: The Addams Family try to make their new mailman feel welcomed. Things do not go completely as planned. Hijinks ensue.The story is told from the perspective of the mailman Jerry, and from well meaning Morticia.
Relationships: Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Addams Hospitality

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this story was literally originally just a short gag in one of my WIPs. So yea.
> 
> Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism gives me life.

(J.P.O.V)

It was dark now. He could hear the wind howling all around him. Or at least, that’s what he tries to convince himself he’s hearing. In truth, the faint sound of shrill laughter made his bones rattle. Mocking him almost, beckoning him outside his only safe haven. 

“The jokes on them,” he muttered bitterly, "Damn fog came out of nowhere, I can't even see the ground outside the truck." 

The yet to be delivered package sat looking scornfully up at him from the adjacent seat. He does not want to imagine what it contained.

Across the street sat the source of his predicament. An old mansion, if one can even call it that. It was monstrous, looming taller than all the other houses on the street. Dark clouds seemed to live up to its horror movie reputation by forming around the building, further engulfing it in night. The lampposts conveniently chose this house to stop working, so there were only two sources of light. The moon was not helping him right now, only seeming to cast an eerie glow across rotting wood and chipped paint. 

But despite all that, the real reason he could hear his heart thudding in his chest, the reason he was sweating and shivering all in one was coming from the only other source of light. He could see it through the hazy fog, a yellow glow coming from one of the downstairs rooms, and with the light came a pair of wide, unblinking eyes. It frightened him with the sheer force of its intensity. Glinting miniacially at him for what seemed like ages.

"Today is the day I die.” whispered Jerry Anderson shakily as he slumped down on the driver's seat.

(M.P.O.V)

“Darling,” Morticia called, “Is the new mailman still out there?” She had been doing her daily knitting for a few hours now, her only source of entertainment coming from staring at her husband's back. 

“He is!” said Gomez, breaking his concentration by turning to look at her, “Do ya think we should finally get my package, he’s been parked across the street for hours!” he asked, a contemplative look crossing his features.

Abandoning her project for cousin Menace for the moment, Morticia made her way over to her husband, “Yes it is quite stra-'' the sound of an explosion upstairs, followed by the house rocking, briefly made her lose her train of speech, “Strange. What do you suppose he’s been doing out there all this time?” 

“I don’t know. But by the looks of it, I better get out there or Uncle Fester might bring the whole house down. Speak of the devil!” laughed Gomez as Uncle Fester came barreling down the stairs, gun in tow.

“Ugh not that guy,” grumbled Fester.

“Where are you going with that gun?” she arched an eyebrow.

“I’m gonna find out what’s the big idea with that new guy. The old mailman was never late!” he said indignantly.

“Ha. Old man was so on time, he was gone by the time Lurch reached the door. Now that’s dedication!” said Gomez pulling a lit cigar out his pocket.

“Exactly. The gun is an extra precaution in case I need to shoot him in the back!”

Suspicions confirmed, Morticia crossed her arm defiantly, “Now Uncle Fester. You know very well we do not go around shooting people in the back in this household. Especially not without good reason,“ she admonished.

“Not without good reason?” Fester whined, “but Morticia, the kids and I have been waiting on that package all day!” 

It was true, the truck had been parked across the street since the children came home. Of course, it would have been rude to rush the man by demanding their parcel, so Gomez took the liberty of keeping his eye on it for movement. 

“I think the poor dear is just a little nervous. Why don't you go outside and introduce yourself, then ask him nicely, “She reassured him gently but firmly.

“Splendid idea as always querida,” Gomez said, reaching to kiss his wife's fingers, “with your charm and good looks, I’m sure you’ll win him over in no time!” he finished, addressing Fester but keeping his focus solely on his wife, making his way up her arm.

“Hmm, I think you might be onto something,” he said, turning around, “ I'll win him over in no time!” Fester grinned on his way out the door.

“That’s right, show him that Addams Hospitality!” Morticia called after him, silently stopping her husband from going any further with a pat on his cheek and a teasing glance in his direction.

“Later darling.” she promised, ignoring his pout as she went back to her knitting.

“Ah Mama, had a good time watching your stories I hear?” said Gomez, as Grandmama came downstairs, her skirts dragging behind her.

“Oh yea!” she snickered, “Boy those Shakespeare movies really give me a kick. I wonder how he does it.”

“I don’t know. The man does seem to have a knack for farce,” Morticia agreed.

“So what are you guys doing?” Making her way over to her son by the window, Grandmama asked “Did the mail come by yet?”

“Yup it’s right out there. Fester is getting it,” said Gomez around a new cigar.

“He is going to have a talk with the mailman, charm him a bit.” Morticia finished.

“Ha!” Grandmama laughed before reaching for the coat hanger to throw on her shawl, “Fester wouldn't know charm if a leprechaun conned him!” 

Smoothing down the multiple layers of fabric woven into her dark, loose fitting dress and freeing her long, unkempt greying hair from under the shawl, she made her way out the door. Turning back with a quick I’ll deal with it and a wink, she was out.

(J.P.O.V)

“Oh my God what the hell is that!” Jerry shrieked as he saw a pale, grotesque looking figure lumbering outside, cutting through the fog with what looked like some kind of bat.  
Oh God wait, was that a gun! 

As if his nightmare wasn't surreal enough, some kind of witch came scurrying out the house after him. Suitably alarmed, he ducked his head. 

“Shit man, what am I even doing with my life.” He whispered, wiping his forehead nervously.

The post office had stories aplenty about the infamous Addams Family when he came in for his interview. Stories of a disembodied hand with claws sharp as nails, frankenstein men with inhuman strength and disappearing guests. He was sure they were just ribbing him and was prepared to laugh it off when he got his schedule, but the fear in his bosses eyes as he pulled him aside and warned him that morning what he was up against still stuck with him. Freaks, monsters, witches and cannibals were tossed around the most.

And he was getting a first class view of what they had to offer!

“Screw this,” he panted before gathering enough strength to jam the key in the ignition and drive away. Fog be damned. He drove blindly for a few seconds before breaking through the wall of darkness

(M.P.O.V)

“Oh dear,” Morticia whispered sadly, looking out the window after hearing the commotion. She watched Grandmama and Fester chase after the truck before making their way back inside.

“See Mama, you scared him away!” 

“Says the one carrying a gun.” Grandmama huffed.

“Now the two of you arguing are not going to solve anything.” said Morticia.

“The man is obviously a nut!” Feser hollered before flopping on the ground. Grandmama nodded her agreement before getting to her weekly axe sharpening in the corner.

“I have to agree with you there. What kind of man just drives away like that when someone is just trying to greet them.” said Gomez, finally walking back to take a seat.

“And we still didn't get our package!”

“Well it's too late to call the post office tonight Uncle Fester,” Morticia replied somewhat dejectedly, “we will just call them up tomorrow to send in our complaint.”

Morticia tried to keep her calm, level headed composure, but Gomez must have heard the disappointment in her voice. He gave her a soft look, before taking her face in his hand,  
“I know you thought he meant well, Tish. Unfortunately some people are just too strange to comprehend.” Gomez reassured, caressing her cheek.

“I suppose so.” She had really been hoping this would work. They went through three mail carriers this year alone.

(J.P.O.V)

“Oh man that was clo-CRAP!” he hit the brakes, suddenly remembering that he forgot to dump the package. Jerry let out a sea of expletives before wondering if it were better to be dead or unemployed in this economy.

He pondered for a few minutes before grumbling to himself and reluctantly made the block, parking right where he started.

Letting out a deep breath, Jerry looked out his window. No witches, no bald figures and no crazy looking eyes. Finding the courage, he picked up the suspiciously light package, grabbed his flashlight and pocketed his keys before exiting the vehicle. He decided to leave the door unlocked just in case.

Crossing the empty street before slowly walking up the chipped path, he tried to avoid looking at the house, “Alright dude, you could do this. Just get in, drop the package in front of the door and get out. Woah is it getting colder and colder or what?” 

As he reached the gate, his mind decided to play a cruel prank on him because he swore no wind could have managed to slowly open the gate up like that. With a gulp, he stepped into the abyss when suddenly the gate slammed shut behind him, effortlessly sealing his fate.

Visibly shivering, he walked along the uneven path, flashlight not doing much to help him avoid all the vines and piles of dead leaves littering the path. He decided not to question the craters and tiny graves dug out along the way.

Jerry stepped up on the porch, the wood groaning against his feet and reached to pull the doorknob. Fear gripped him as the bell let out the most inhumane sound. It was too late to run away as a large man opened up the door. He towered over him, eyes as black as night and skin white as a ghost. The last thing he heard as his mind went blank is an unnaturally deep voice saying “You rang?”

“Mother, what happened?”

“Should we put him on the bed of nails?””

“Quickly Mama, go get your bag of smelling salts.”

“Wait, I think he’s waking up.”

Groaning, Jerry slowly opened his eyes, letting them adjust to the dim light. The first thing he registered was that he was lying on some kind of hard material, and that his back was killing him. Something cold was on his head. An ice pack. Slowly sitting up, he looked around before letting out a terrifying scream when he saw a grizzly bear towering over him

He leaped up off the furniture and screamed when he saw the figure from earlier, screaming even harder when he realised he was surrounded by them.

He turned and screamed when he saw a swordfish eating a man whole and......a two headed turtle?

Alright he was confused.

A woman shrouded in black, with tentacles for feet took the liberty of approaching him. At her side were two young children. A little girl with pigtails and a pudgy boy with a striped shirt.

"Are you alright dear?" She asked concerningly. 

"Don't go any closer, Morticia. Remember the man's unhinged!" The bald man from earlier exclaimed.

Huh? He felt like he was going insane. He wanted to laugh and scream at the absurdity of the comment.  
He unhinged?

At that moment he forgot he was afraid, a feeling of indignation washing over him.

"I-" he stopped himself from blowing up at that moment, catching his reflection in a mirror. Eyes wide and bloodshot, pale skinned, hair sticking up in all directions and clothes ruffled. He looked like he almost fit in here. 

A sudden feeling of embarrassment overcame him as he took in this family watching him like he was insane.

Maybe he was unhinged.

Running a shaky hand through his hair, Jerry tried to compose himself before addressing the woman, "I'm sorry I was so late with your package ma'am." 

"That's all right." A man with the same intense eyes he saw earlier replied, "Just don't let it happen again. I was about to call up your employers tomorrow."

Oh no, "Please don't I really need this job!" He begged. 

The man thought it over for a few moments, pulling an inexplicably lit cigar out his pocket and plucking it into his mouth before saying, "Well, considering you're the only mailman to actually make it this far, consider this a warning!" He laughed, clapping him on the back.

"Oh where are our manners!" The woman chastised before introducing herself, "My name is Morticia Addams and this is my husband Gomez."

"Our children Wednesday and Pugsley," she patted their heads. The boy gave him a goofy smile and the girl waved. 

Strange names, he thought. But decided to keep quiet and simply nod.

"This is Uncle Fester," she gestured to the strange man from earlier who was currently pawing at the package.

Uncle. Fester. 

He didn't have time to think about how well the name suited that strange man before the lady, umm Morticia, gestured over to the corner of the room. An old woman sat sharpening what looked like giant axes. 

Okay.

"Gomez's mother Mama." She concluded.

"And last but not least we have our butler Lurch and Thing." She gestured behind him.

He turned and almost fainted for the second time today. Disembodied hands. Frankenstein men. He felt himself panicking before surprisingly managing to compose himself. 

Oh God the hand is waving at him.

He decided to stiffly wave back before the hand disappeared into a small box. Yup, he was definitely unhinged and coping surprisingly well with it.

Suddenly a hand tugged at his pants. "Mr, would you like to have dinner with us?" The little girl asked. The rest of the family looked at him in question.

He thought about it for a few seconds, weighing the pros and cons before his stomach growled, alerting him that he hasn’t eaten since he got here. He deduced that these people, strange as they appeared,.were probably not going to eat him either, "Well i've made it this far, and I got nothing to eat at home so why the hell not." 

"Alright. I think I like this guy already!" Fester hollered. "Anyone who has a strong enough stomach to try Mamas wild ox surprise is alright in my book!"

He gulped. Wild ox? Oh jeez how bad could it be. Actually by the looks of everyone here, it could be.

"So um what's in that package you guys ordered anyways?" He asked nervously, trying not to think of the war his stomach is going to take later.

Gomez threw an arm over his shoulder, the other holding Morticia's hand as he escorted them to the kitchen.

"Freshly seasoned grasshopper old man! Not only does it make for a fine snack, but also a hearty base for Mamas toad foot soup."

"Yes. Cousin itt said he would send some for us after he left for his trip. For some reason, they always seem to be attracted to him." Morticia finished.

Okay. Maybe they were all unhinged.


End file.
